Posts Tagged ‘Shit Show


The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak (1984)

Right before I start writing a blog post, I always go through my list of tags to make sure I don’t miss anything. I always pass over Tawny Kitaen’s name, wishing and hoping that one day I’ll be able to tag her in something other than Witchboard. Well, who would’ve known, this would be my lucky day! Q read something recently about The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak and it reminded him hey, I’ve been wanting to see that movie for awhile! He showed me the back cover and I was sold.

Unfortunately, the old adage “don’t judge a film by the stills on the back cover of the DVD” holds true. No amount of highly-stylized, half-naked, leather-bound, sex-starved gladiatrices can save this movie. There were so many moments throughout this stupid thing that I really, truly wanted to like, but every single time it failed to deliver. But I suppose I’ve put the cart before the horse; what is this stupid piece of crap movie about, anyway?

Tawny Kitaen as the innocent, naive and virginal Gwendoline.

Tawny Kitaen as the innocent, naive and virginal Gwendoline.

Gwendoline has traveled from France to China in a large, wooden box to find her long, lost lepidopterist father. She and her maid Beth quickly find themselves at the mercy of wacky Chinese thieves, who sell Gwendoline into servitude for a quick buck. Luckily Gwendoline’s new owner owes a muscle-bound asshat named Willard a bunch of cash, and when he can’t pay up Willard goes apeshit and tears the place apart, inadvertently saving Gwendoline and Beth.

The charmless Willard

The charmless Willard

Unfortunately for Willard, this means he’s inherited the two ladies for the foreseeable future, and they want to go to the Land of the Yik-Yak. Through a series of whatevers and blah blahs they discover Gwendoline’s father is dead. Willard thinks his time with the girls is over, but oh no, Gwendoline’s journey has just begun! She is now adamant that she will find the elusive butterfly her father died searching for, so his death might not be in vain.

On the way to Yik-Yak, the trio are confronted by a band of cannibals and a hidden society of women who mine some kind of diamond or some shit and only get to fuck when the leader tells them it’s okay, and even when that happens they have to fight over the guy and then after they fuck him they kill him. So that’s a great story line, right? Oh yeah, and along the way Gwendoline has of course fallen in love with Willard, despite the fact that he’s a complete piece of shit utterly lacking in charisma, and I guess he’s fallen in love with her too, even though he bounces from being a complete asshole to being silly putty in her hands. Whatever.

Gwendoline and Willard in those outfits, on that chariot, still don't make this movie worth watching.

Gwendoline and Willard in those outfits, on that chariot, still don’t make this movie worth watching.

This movie can’t decide what it wants to be. Is it campy? Is it a comedy? Is it an adventure flick? A soft-core porno? I guess it wanted to be all of these things, but since it couldn’t do any one thing well enough it ends up being none of these things. Continuing the theme of what-the-fuck-is-this-movie-going-for, the characters also have no grounding; they bounce from having one personality to another within the same scene so many times there is no point in trying to distinguish what their actual motivations are.

But damn, it does look cool doesn't it?

But damn, it does look cool doesn’t it?

So you might be saying why does it matter? This is obviously a stupid movie, why would I expect so much out of it? Well, even stupid movies have to work on some level to be enjoyable and watchable, and I’m telling you even if you’re only watching this movie for the tits you’re going to be dissatisfied. Halfway through I suggested perhaps it might be better to watch the movie in a different language, at least then we could feast our eyes upon the costumes without being distracted by the awful, terrible acting and dialog. Too bad there are no other audio tracks on this disc. This movie did teach me a valuable lesson, though: I used to think that as long as a movie looked cool, it didn’t matter what the plot was, or even if there was one. Alas, Gwendoline has proven me woefully wrong. Sorry, Tawny. Maybe we’ll have better luck next time.


Fear No Evil (1981)

There are terrible horror movies, and then there are terrible horror movies. Surely ‘so bad it’s good’ is a phrase you’ve heard uttered before in reference to a terrible horror movie that does nothing right, but still manages to keep its audience engaged and entertained. Then there are the terrible horror movies, the ones that are just so incredibly poorly made and make no sense, but in this really terrible, irritating way. Unfortunately Day 29’s selection of 31 Days of Horror, Frank LaLoggia’s Fear No Evil, falls into the latter category.FearNoEvilposter

Part of the problem with this movie is there is just absolutely way too much going on, so synopsizing it isn’t going to be easy. Basically, a couple living in small-town upstate New York (LaLoggia obviously has a preferred setting) give birth to Lucifer (or Andrew). It just so happens that two of three archangels reside in the same small town. The eldest angel (Mikhail or Margaret, depending on who you are) tries to convince the local Priest she needs help slaying the monster, but the Priest is still pissed off at her because her brother killed the last incarnation of Lucifer, and that was murder! All the while, Lucifer has really neat hair, gets straight A’s, and makes out with boys in the shower at the local high school. Everyone there listens to really awesome New Wave.

When blood explodes all over the place from an unknown origin while your kid is getting baptized, maybe he is Lucifer.

When blood explodes all over the place from an unknown origin while your kid is getting baptized, maybe he is Lucifer.

Mikhail/Margaret fails to convince the priest he should postpone the church’s annual free performance of the Passion play, even though she is certain some terrible evil is about to take over the town. That same night Andrew/Lucifer somehow raises the dead from this dilapidated castle place where the old Lucifer ran a company and killed a bunch of the workers or something and now they’re all zombies and they’re going to do Lucifer/Andrew’s bidding. I really hoped at this point the zombie horde was going to overtake the peaceful parishioners at the Passion play and the movie would end in a crescendo of zombie vs. churchgoer mayhem, but instead in the end Lucifer just ends up being a glam-rock version of Dracula, swooping his cape and sacrificing women at altars and stuff.

Lucifer likes birthday cake and tidy hair cuts.

Lucifer likes birthday cake and tidy hair cuts.

Holy moly, this movie just makes one mistake after another. Where do I even start? I guess its worst offense is that it has no idea what kind of movie it actually wants to be. Is it a zombie movie? A vampire movie? A religious movie? A teen slasher flick? A family drama? The movie is none of these, but aspires to be all of them. The film can’t even manage to hold a tone for an entire scene. Not only that, scenes seem to end prematurely; just when you think there’s going to be an interesting confrontation, we cut to a different movie entirely. There is no cohesion from one moment to the next. If you played a ‘what the hell’ drinking game while watching this movie, you wouldn’t get through it without downing a few bottles of liquor.

Never a good sign when Lucifer's eyes turn yellow and he's sweaty...

Never a good sign when Lucifer’s eyes turn yellow and he’s sweaty…

I’m not even sure if it’s worth getting into the lack of character development here. Put it simply, there is none. Lucifer’s parents hate each-other, and the dad is convinced it’s because his child is evil incarnate. He is right, of course, but he and Lucifer’s mom never actually have a conversation about it. They get into a fight over Lucifer’s birthday cake and she gets brain damage as a result well before they can actually discuss repairing their marriage. Then there’s the slew of high school kids we come into contact with. Most high school movies have a range of stereotypical characters, and Fear No Evil is no different, but here even having most of the high school scenes is pointless and irrelevant to what I think is supposed to be the main plot. I haven’t decided if the weirdest high school scene is where Lucifer possesses the gym teacher into dodgeballing a boy to death, or the part where Lucifer is taunted in the gym’s shower by a couple of bullies and ends up making out with one of them in front of everyone.



Then there is Julie/Gabrielle, another high school kid whose boyfriend was the poor kid that got dodgeballed to death, right after they got engaged. She’s confused and sad and also an archangel and has dreams about fucking Lucifer. Did Lucifer kill her boyfriend specifically because he knew she was an angel? Or was it because he liked her like a human boy likes a human girl? No sense in pondering a question to which there’s no answer, I suppose. But she goes and hangs out with the creepy old lady/Mikhail/Margaret and they get their hands on a glowing staff in hopes of slaying Lucifer before his zombies can kill everyone in town, or something.

I'm sorry, when did Lucifer turn into a vampire?

I’m sorry, when did Lucifer turn into a vampire?

If you’ve ever eaten a burrito bowl at Chipotle, you’ll know what I mean when I say Fear No Evil is missing the guacamole: there is no cohesive element to keep all the fragments glued together; there’s an errant grain of rice everywhere you look. LaLoggia really likes the look of seemingly every movie he’s ever seen and tries to incorporate it all in one film with absolutely disastrous results. It is easy to see the roots of Lady in White here, especially in the first fifteen minutes of the film, which is dripping with sentimentality and nostalgia. But then he must have gone to a new wave concert in the middle of filming and decided Talking Heads, Ramones, Richard Hell & The Voidoids among other great bands should be included in this film about angels hunting Lucifer on earth.

Last but not least, there’s the whole Lucifer thing. I don’t know what kind of Lucifer LaLoggia grew up with, but I never got my Lucifer mixed up with Count Dracula. By the end of the film, Lucifer/Andrew is a cape-swooping glam-rock vampire, which sounds amazing, and probably would be in any other movie, but here it is just like… WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS COME FROM? It just does not make any damn sense no matter how you slice it.

I didn't even mention the really shitty special effects. Look at the shitty special effects. And crying Lucifer.

I didn’t even mention the really shitty special effects. Look at the shitty special effects. And crying Lucifer.

While this movie may seem like it has all the perfect elements for a so-bad-it’s-good joke-a-thon, it’s missing the most important thing: watchability. This movie is just so absolutely dreadful, frustrating and exhausting to watch, I can’t imagine anyone having fun with it. It’s not often I insist in the middle of a movie we pause it and venture out into the world for ice cream, because only ice cream can make it tolerable, but that is exactly what happened with Fear No Evil. It probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise that the ice cream did not help improve my feelings towards this piece of garbage. All that being said, though, I think there is a very, very small audience of folks who would want to spend the time to watch this movie. If you have the sort of tolerance for a legitimately terrible, horrible, irredeemable movies and this blog post has poked your curiosity, it might be worth your time, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.


The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave (1971)

Note: Hi! This is Mike Q, and I’m not the one who usually writes here. I got this guest-spot because Katy’s fallen behind in writing up movies of late, so I’ve been called in to do some of the titles she doesn’t especially want to deal with.

The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave has such a good cover, we bought it twice.  Maybe that’s not true; maybe my pal Grant had given me a copy at some point in the past, and I’d forgotten about it. But, whatever the reason, we ended up with two copies right around when we figured out what we’d be watching for this Fall’s 31 Days of Horror, and into the running it went. We watched it as title 20 of the series.

the-night-evelyn-came-out-of-the-grave-3Before I tell you about how it fared, check out that cover! It’s great! It’s got most of what you’d want in horror packaging: a scantily-dressed lady–a scantily-dressed lady with a skull head — holding an almost tasteful severed head. When I was a kid (much like Panos Cosmatos) I was fascinated by the jackets to the VHS horror films my parents wouldn’t let me watch. Because of my rather limited frame of reference, I often imagined them as more intense Scooby Doo episodes — lots of pursuit by monsters. When I was older and able to pursue such things myself, I realized that most weren’t like that (the closest I’ve gotten to that platonic childhood sense is Tobe Hooper’s The Funhouse). Why am I sharing all of this? Because the jacket art to Evelyn is really great, and looks exactly like the sort of movie I’d like to watch.

Unfortuntely, the movie itself isn’t much to write home about.

To cut right to the chase, Evelyn in practice isn’t too far from Scooby Doo in the broadest strokes of its plot — I’m going to be spoiler-y here since I don’t think the reveals are all that shocking — we’re in territory that was well-explored, and better, by the likes of Dominique is Dead or, perhaps most exceptionally, by Henri Cluzot’s Les Diaboliques: a plot to frighten a lightweight into being scared to death. We get there in Evelyn by way of a by-the-numbers ’70s giallo, with all of the misogyny that entails.

Killing some braod, like you do. Though it's not impossible to have a libale protagonist who is also a conflicted killer, this flick doesn't even try.

Killing some broad, like you do. Though it’s not impossible to have a viable protagonist who is also a conflicted killer, this flick doesn’t even try.

In this case, the movie begins with our “hero,” the decadent and troubled Lord Alan Cunningham, bringing a comely redhead to his rotting Gothic estate somewhere outside of London. He takes her down to his torture chamber and tortures and kills her. Hey! Wow! Can’t wait to see him get his comeuppance! (Spoiler alert: he doesn’t). Seems sometime in the past, Lord Alan had a redhead — his late wife Evelyn — cheat on him, and he killed her for it. Now, he’s trapped in a terrible cycle of finding and killing more redheads to somehw assuage/amplify his guilt. Everyone in his life — his psychiatrist/childhood best friend, his playboy cousin, his crippled, very young aunt, his lawyer — knows he’s got this problem, and while they’re all troubled by it to varying degrees, the only one who seems to hold him at all accountable is Albert, the estate’s groundskeeper and Lord Alan’s brother-in-law. Albert is always there, watching Lord Alan’s murderous dalliances, sneeringly taking Lord Alan’s pay-offs to keep quiet. It seems only a matter of time before he gets his revenge…

Meanwhile, Aunt Agatha holds a seance to bring back Evelyn’s spirit — and it works! This is all too much for Alan. The doctor says he needs regularity in his life — he should consider marriage. Maybe that will let him work his issues out.

His cousin takes him to a fancy-dress party where Alan is immediately smitten by yet another redhead, whom he proposes to before they’ve even left. Everyone in Alan’s life takes this in stride; they think she’s awfully well-mannered indeed. That, i guess, is the only qualification that need be had to marry the lunatic patriarch.

Evelyn's come out  of the grave! THIS is the night they were talking about!! ...Or was it?

Evelyn’s come out of the grave! THIS is the night they were talking about!! …Or was it?

Strange things start happening — the new wife discovers Evelyn isn’t in the family crypt, Albert is killed by a venomous snake by a mysterious assailant, Aunt Agatha gets up and walks without explanation, and then is killed and thrown to Alan’s pet foxes by a mysterious assailant… Some one, or some group of someones has something afoot, though damned if any of the pieces seem to fit together (Spoiler alert: they don’t).

This movie does have some wonderfully atmospheric locations and sets to play with — the aforementioned torture chamber and fancy-dress party both look stellar, as does the rotting family crypt and gardens around it. The fashions and hairstyles of both sexes are top-of-the-line mod/psychedelic, and reflect a vision of Swinging London that we here at Schlockwave find almost irresistably alluring. That’s not to say exactly that the movie looks good — the camera placements are a mess, and a series of bad decisions were made in the editing room that manage to squander what seems to be this movie’s only real resource. It’s hard to believe this movie was handled behind the camera by folks who’d  made anything professionally before.

I’d say that’s a pity, but this movie left me awfully frustrated. Beyond the first act, we seem to have been meant to view Lord Alan sympathetically… which is awfully hard to do once he’s mercilessly killed a few redheads. When he’s driven to madness and death, I wasn’t sad at all to see him go. And, when his death turns out to be a ruse to expose the plot that had been cooked up by the new wife, one of the redheads we thought was dead (?), and the playboy cousin, I couldn’t have been more disappointed. Their “sins” pretty well pale in comparison to his… and in the reactionary logic of horror generally and giallo specifically, doesn’t that emminently qualify Lord Alan for a really juicy bit of narrative justice? Not here, it doesn’t.

So, should you run across a copy of The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave, take a moment and drink in that cover art. It looks so good! But, you can safely skip watching it, not to mention buying it — let alone buying it twice.


The Visitor (1979)

VisitorPosterDo you like The Exorcist & The Omen, or any of their sequels? What about Rosemary’s Baby? What about every other sci-fi horror movie from the 1970’s? If you answered yes to any of these, then why waste your time re-watching any of them when you could just watch The Visitor, a dazzling blend of everything you’ve already seen before, with a weird scientological, blonde Jesus twist! That’s what we did for day 6 of 31 Days of Horror. I think I don’t regret it.

The beginning of The Visitor happens somewhere else. I’m not sure if we’re on another planet, or in another dimension, or what, but blonde Jesus is telling a bunch of bald kids about the evil Sateen, who impregnated a bunch of women so his demon seed can spread through the cosmos. During this serious lecture, in walks Jerzy (John Huston – yes, that one) signaling to blonde Jesus they’ve found the latest demon seed. It’s time to rally the bald kids and send them to Earth in search of an eight-year-old girl named Katy, a creepy, southern-drawled version of Linda Blair who uses her telekinetic powers to rig basketball games and stuff.

Katy’s mom Barbara is having an intense relationship with the owner of the interested basketball team, Raymond (Lance Henriksen). He’s trying his damndest to get her to marry him, but she won’t because she knows there’s something wrong with Katy and doesn’t want to give birth to another creepy little shithead monster thing. Of course it turns out Raymond isn’t actually in love with Katy, he is part of a satanic cabal interested in populating the world with more of Sateen’s mutant seed. If Jerzy and his band of baldies can’t steal away with Katy in time, the whole universe will feel the ripples of that evil tidal wave!

This movie is like, whoa, all over the place; it is excitingly schizophrenic in that way. It is a bit like The Sentinel or The Manitou; there’s so much going on and it’s all crazy weird conspiracy shit tinged with religion and mythology. But all of its freneticism does not work in its favor; the movie is a tangled mess of tropes and what seems like possibly a weird religious agenda. The confusion results in a muddled and incoherent plot. Of course, none of that matters to a person like me: I still loved watching it; I had to know what the hell was going to happen next, even though (or perhaps especially because) I knew whatever it was wasn’t going to make any sense and was going to be delivered with questionable dialog!

The best part about movies like The Visitor isn’t on the screen at all; it’s wondering how a film like this ever got off the ground in the first place. What compelled the writer to sit down and come up with this story? Who financed it? Why? What about the actors; what are they thinking when they deliver these terrible lines? And specific to The Visitor, how the hell did they get people like John Huston and Sam Peckinpah (yeah, he acts in this too, by the way) to be in this movie? The whole thing is just so gloriously bizarre you have to love it. Though it is obviously a pastiche of a million movies that come before it, it automatically sets itself apart from every one of those by its sheer what-the-fuckness.

Should you see The Visitor? Well, that clearly depends on what type of person you are. If you’re the kinda guy or gal that only likes “Good” movies, then, uh, NO, you should not see The Visitor. However, if you’re reading my blog right now that probably is some indication that you’re at least a little bit interested in the weirder fringes of cinema, and in that case then I direct you to watch The Visitor as soon as possible, and to get on your knees and thank the fine folks at Drafthouse Films for resurrecting this nearly-forgotten shitsterpiece.


Bugsy Malone (1976)

Dancing gangster children.

Dancing gangster children.

What could be more child-friendly than the story of Bugsy Malone’s rise to infamy as a prominent prohibition-era gangster? I know, the story of Bugsy Malone’s rise to infamy told as a musical with an all-child cast whose guns shoot custard rather than bullets! DUH! Bugsy Malone is one of those movies that you take one look at and wonder what the fuck kind of drugs everyone was on in the ’70s. The concept was of course far too strange for me to disregard, and one dark night curiosity got the best of me and we popped this guy in. That was a few months ago, and I think I’m still confused about some (all?) of the decisions made here.

A young Scott Baio stars as Bugsy, a fast-talking, up-and-coming gangster with big ideas and a crush on the mousiest girl around, Blousey. She whines and complains and goes all over town auditioning to be a singer, but always comes up short. Her aspirations help feed her jealousy of Tallullah (Jodie Foster), a big

Jodie Foster as Tallulah

Jodie Foster as Tallulah

name act at Fat Sam’s, the speakeasy Bugsy frequents. All the while kids are shooting custard guns at each-other, fighting over who can be the kingpin of Chicago.

I just… I can’t… why? It’s not terrible to watch; I think the consensus when it was done is that we were all glad to have seen it, but wouldn’t ever want to go through seeing it again. The kids, particularly the girls, are weirdly sexualized in ways that would make everyone but Humbert Humbert uncomfortable; I mean Jodie Foster and the other girls are dressed up in their little showgirl outfits and it’s just creepy. Add on top of this the super weird decision to have all the musical numbers lip-synched by the kids, instead of having them actually sing them. The music was written by Paul Williams, and it’s his voice you hear instead of Scott Baio’s. It just

Scott Baio as Bugsy

Scott Baio as Bugsy

doesn’t fit right, and frankly it’s a little unsettling on top of all the other shit in this movie that’s already making its audience feel a little alienated and weird.

All that being said, I have to say that I almost admire such a strange vision. Obviously its quirks were enough to get me interested, and I loved the idea of the custard guns! But in the end, this movie might be more difficult to watch than it’s worth. The trouble is, I haven’t decided if that’s true or not. I can’t actually say that I recommend this film, but I can say that if the idea intrigues you in the slightest, you might want to check it out. It’s one of those things that must be seen to be believed.


Double Trouble (1992)

I’m embarrassed to report that up until yesterday, I’d never even heard of The Barbarian Brothers. Can you believe it! Who would have thought I’d have Paste Magazine to thank for the introduction. Actually, I’ve only seen about a quarter of their selections for the 100 Best B-movies of all time. On one hand, this makes me feel like a b-movie failure; I totally failed the Paste Magazine shit movie test! On the other hand, it gets me super pumped to add 75 movies to my to-watch list.

Trouble goes riding.

Trouble goes riding.

If you too are new to the Barbarian Brothers, allow me to introduce Peter and David Paul; muscle-bound twins hungry for Hollywood fame. The two of them are on opposite sides of the law in Double Trouble; one a hard-working cop in a cropped Raiders sweatshirt, the other a womanizing diamond thief recently released from jail for good behavior. The bad twin doesn’t take long to get back into the swing of stealing diamonds, and when crime magnate Philip Chamberlain (Roddy McDowall) sees his ugly mug on surveillance footage from the International Diamond Exchange, he and his goons are hot on his tail.

Roddy turns you on.

Roddy turns you on.

But the lying, thieving twin has always got tricks up his sleeve, and promises to give the cops some inside information if they protect him rather than prosecute him for his diamond thievery. This drives the cop twin insane of course, because now: surprise! Their partners in law! The two beefcakes now run all over town looking for Chamberlain and his crew, all the while bickering and getting up to They Live-length fight scenes. Can the two brothers set their differences aside and work together for once?

"Pop" art.

“Pop” art.

I’ve seen a hefty handful of dumb shit in my day, but this movie is most certainly one of the dumbest out there. The plot is as thin as can be, and thank god for it; I certainly wouldn’t want anyone picking up a movie like this and expecting any kind of depth whatsoever. This is exactly what you want it to be: empty, stupid, ridiculous, and most importantly, gloriously entertaining. As if a film about two bodybuilding twin brothers fighting a crime ring wasn’t enough incentive to get you interested, how about this: the film is directed by John Paragon, the man we have to thank for Pee Wee’s Playhouse and Elvira: Mistress of the Dark among other things I’m sure to investigate further. The three together make pure comedy gold worthy of an elaborate thieving scheme!




Troll 2 (1990)

One of my favorite things about keeping this blog is having the opportunity to revisit some of the junk that I’d watched as a kid. Being forced to look at some of them again, occasionally a lightbulb goes off: oh, that’s why I like shit moviesTroll 2 couldn’t be a better example. I was a lucky enough kid to grow up with cable, and cable in the 90’s was chock full of shit movies. Better still, they were played over and over and over and over again. Perhaps I was first drawn to Troll 2 because it was the sequel of one of my favorite movies, Troll, a charming, silly horror/fantasy starring my childhood crush Michael Moriarty. But Troll 2 has absolutely, positively nothing whatsoever to do with its predecessor.

Is it a troll? A goblin? Whatever it is, it wants to eat you.

Is it a troll? A goblin? Whatever it is, it wants to eat you.

The Waits’ are your average American family. Holly is your typical teenaged girl, lifting weights in her bedroom and dancing in the mirror before bed. Joshua is a young, imaginative boy who routinely discusses man-eating goblins with his dead Grandpa Seth. Their parents, Diana and Michael, are a little concerned about Joshua’s attachment to his dead grandfather, and hope their upcoming, lengthy vacation in the country will help the boy get over his issues.

Mr. Waits is so cool even the collar on his PJ's is popped!

Mr. Waits is so cool even the collar on his PJ’s is popped!

Unfortunately, Nilbog doesn’t turn out to be the country haven they’d hoped for. Instead of relaxing family time, the Waits’ are confronted with evil goblins who turn people into vegetables so they can eat them! It’s a good thing Joshua maintained good relations with Grandpa Seth because without his help, his family and friends would be nothing but dinner for the ugly goblins of Nilbog!

Because nothing's sexier than an ear of corn.

Because nothing’s sexier than an ear of corn.

The plot, of course, is unremarkable. What is remarkable about this movie is just what a disaster it is on every single level. The acting is some of the worst I’ve ever seen, and it is across-the-board horrible. The writing is terrible and perplexing; it’s impossible to watch this movie and not wonder what the hell kind of drugs the writer was on. The film takes so many inexplicable, strange turns (corn sex?) that it keeps you baffled for its entirety. The most amazing thing about this movie is that it did, in fact, get made. The cast and crew got together and actually accomplished making what some would call one of the worst films ever made.

Grandpa Seth's knowing grin is almost as reassuring as that double-decker bologna sandwich in your backpack.

Grandpa Seth’s knowing grin is almost as reassuring as that double-decker bologna sandwich in your backpack.

Personally, I wouldn’t go that far – the films that actually deserve that label are far, far worse. Unwatchable, even. And Troll 2 is many things, but unwatchable is not one of them. In fact, it is such an easy pleasure to watch, it makes you wonder if it didn’t actually do something rightTroll 2 is often named as the pinnacle of the so-bad-it’s-good genre. I’m very much a fan of these types of movies, but even after all these years I’m still wondering what it is about movies like this that actually make them worthwhile. I could go on and on about my thoughts on the topic, but considering my next post is going to be written on Best Worst Movie, the documentary about Troll 2, I’ll save my deep thoughts for that one! Just know, if you’re ever curious about the weird, cult crap films out there, Troll 2 is a must-see.


Alien Warrior (1986)

AlienWarriorCoverThe videocassette strikes again! Another timeless (not) masterpiece (nope) from the 1980’s makes its way into my living room thanks to the wonders of the VCR. This time it’s one of the most enjoyable worst movies I’ve ever seen, Alien Warrior.

The short synopsis: Alien Jesus. The (slightly) longer version: an alien (Jesus) and his father (God) discuss how his brother came to earth in hopes of saving it from “Great Evil,” but failed. The alien is determined to finish what his brother started and shows up in the middle of Scary Bad Evil City, USA where drug dealers (Great Evil) reign supreme.

Our alien friend chooses the name Buddy and walks around town in tight jeans and a neatly-trimmed beard asking everyone he runs into: “are you Great Evil?” Apparently there really is one “Great Evil” and it’s a drug-dealer/pimp/rapist known as Mr. One. Our friend Buddy stumbles upon him and after MacGyvering a car and finding a woman to treat nicely he is successful at defeating Great Evil.

So, yeah, this is absolutely dreadful religious propaganda. Unfortunately, it’s not available on DVD; I would love to share this with more people. I’m quite fond of the extremely black and white good vs. evil tales a la Walker, Texas Ranger, and this is definitely comparable to that. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to get Chuck Norris to play this role. This movie is so gleefully, delightfully devoid of substance. I either loved it or I loved hating it. It doesn’t matter which.



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