01
Dec
13

Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)

The safest way to open the box is by making a robot do it. Clever, Merchant. Clever.

The safest way to open the box is by making a robot do it. Clever, Merchant. Clever.

Ever wonder why that darned box was made in the first place? Or why all the chains? Well my friends, wonder no more! The fourth installment of the Hellraiser franchise will answer these questions and so much more!

Well, it all starts in the 22nd century. No, really. A scientist has commandeered a space station to use for his own purposes: he’s going to raise hell and banish the Cenobites into eternal space! Of course, no one believes him because, really, who would. But he’s got a long story to tell, and a pretty girl to listen to him, and so, here we go…

Seems this scientist is the last in a long line of guys that all look exactly the same and who all have some weird affinity for building things that look like, well, that box from Hellraiser. The troubles began when his great-to-a-high-power grandpappy, Phillip L’Merchant, was commissioned to

Evil powdered-wig guy raises demons!

Evil powdered-wig guy raises demons!

make a puzzle box by a Marquis-de-Sade type in powdered-wig times, Paris. L’Merchant had no idea what his creation would be used for, and he and his growing family desperately needed the money, so he went for it.

Turns out, the box is used to animate the dead corpse of a peasant girl into a demon to do powdered-wig-man’s bidding. L’Merchant is none-too-happy about this and sets off to create an antidote, so-to-speak, but to do so he needs the original box back. Well, of course he doesn’t get it, and the demon, Angelique, curses him and all of his descendants.

Wouldn't be a Hellraiser movie without weird-looking Cenobites.

Wouldn’t be a Hellraiser movie without weird-looking Cenobites.

Then some stuff happens in the 1990’s, and then we’re back on the space station and more stuff happens. The good news (or, perhaps, the bad news, given the disaster Hellraiser 5 turns out to be) is that if you eradicate Pinhead in the 22nd century, we can still make movies about him in the present day!

This movie is not good. I knew it was bad when I saw in the theaters at fifteen-years-old, and it isn’t any better watching it as an adult. That being said, it certainly is not the worst of the Hellraiser flicks. Oh, no, that one, my friends, comes next.

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