No Such Thing (2001)

The lone survivor of a terrible plane crash: lucky us!

The lone survivor of a terrible plane crash: lucky us!

I don’t know what it is, but I absolutely cannot stand Sarah Polley. So, No Such Thing really didn’t have a prayer in my book. Things got worse when the movie actually started…

Polley plays Beatrice, a quirky little gal who works for a news channel. Her boss (Helen Mirren) is ruthless, and wants nothing but bad news to feed her viewers 24/7, even if it means having to create it herself. A few months back, she sent a few unfortunate souls to Iceland in search of a mythological beast. They never returned, but the station did receive a video that may have confirmed that the beast actually exists.

Beatrice in all her meekness declares that she must be the one to go to Iceland in search of the missing crew; her fiance was one of those who’s gone missing, after all. Doesn’t she deserve the chance to find out what happened to him?

Poor old monster just wants to die.

Poor old monster just wants to die.

On the way there, her plane crashes, and she is, irritatingly, the only survivor. She has to go through some majorly intense and painful surgery in hopes of gaining feeling and motion back, and she does so with grace and strength. When she is fully recovered, she continues on to search for the monster.

The locals liquor her up and bring her right to the monster’s front door, but only to try and offer her up as a sacrifice. Unfortunately for us, the monster, who is loaded with self-loathing and anger at his immortality, takes a shine to Beatrice. She makes it her purpose in life to help the monster find the one man who can put an end to his existence. The only way Beatrice knows how to do this is to go through her place of work, and of course her boss is going to squeeze every bit of revenue out of the monster’s pain and suffering.

Not sure how Julie Christie ended up in this movie...

Not sure how Julie Christie ended up in this movie…

There are many aspects about this film that irritated me to no end, the first of which is just the fact that Sarah Polley is in it at all. It doesn’t help that her character is part meek little girl, part strong woman, rolled up into an awkward package that I just wanted the monster to gobble up. Her bright-eyed innocence drives me absolutely insane! Then there’s the monster, who is supposed to be “edgy” or something, but also just ended up being irritating. A little tiny part of me did feel sorry for him, but for the most part, this movie made me feel nothing but confusion. I’m not sure really what it was trying to tell us: that monsters are meaningless unless they scare us? That they can only scare us if we allow them to? That when we stop believing in them, they cease to exist?

Don’t know, don’t care, hated it.



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