01
Jun
13

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter (1974)

Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter is a game-changer. No, no, no actually, it’s a life-changer! I want every movie I see to be this stylish, this funny, this awesome. I can’t believe I haven’t seen this a million times already.

Death's cold embrace...

Death’s cold embrace…

It’s set hundreds of years ago, in some past where people still fight with swords and put women in the stockade for dancing on Sunday. Naive, god-fearing, and usually flower-picking young ladies are literally having the youth sucked out of them, and no one in town, not even Doctor Marcus, can figure it out. That is, of course, until the sexy Captain Kronos comes along!

Captain Kronos on a horse.

Captain Kronos on a horse.

Armed with a never-ending supply of “Chinese herbs,” the hunchbacked professor Grost, a bunch of dead toads and a frisky young woman named Carla, Kronos rides into town to at Doctor Marcus’s request. Marcus is no fool; he knows Kronos will find the youth-sucking culprit at any cost!

When bats attack.

When bats attack.

I probably don’t have to tell you that this isn’t exactly strong on plot. Plot doesn’t matter, it’s simply a vehicle for delightful, campy fun, and some boobs and blood, too. It looks so good, and that’s not just because Kronos is dead sexy. But, he is. He’s dead sexy. This movie makes me want to squeal so bad! It’s so awesome! Oh my god! Save me Kronos!

Captain Kronos and a lamp with blood on it!

Captain Kronos and a lamp with blood on it!

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