Snow White: A Tale of Terror (1997)

Sam & Sigourney's marriage bed. H-O-T-T.

Sam & Sigourney’s marriage bed. H-O-T-T.

And now we’ve reached the part of the program of the horror movies with colons in the title. How exciting! Snow White: A Tale of Terror has been lying around for quite some time now, and since we’re on a tear with mediocre horror-ish films, we decided it was about time to watch it.

Sigourney Weaver plays the evil stepmother, in love with herself, her mirror, and possibly her mute brother – but definitely not her husband (Sam Neill) or her step-daughter, Lilli. No, as the famous story goes, she’s nothing but jealous of Lilli, and when she loses her only chance at bringing her own child into the

Lilli's favorite dwarf.

Lilli’s favorite dwarf.

world, she sets her mute brother off to murder her. He’s unsuccessful, and Lilli ends up in a cottage where a bunch of dirty men (the “seven dwarves”) are living. Will Lilli’s new friends help save her from the wrath of her evil stepmother, or will the poisoned apple have the final say?

This movie sure does want to be scary; I mean, the subtitle is A Tale of Terror. The problem is, it just isn’t. There’s magic, and there’s crazy-ass Sigourney Weaver smearing cold cream all over

I don't know, I wouldn't take an apple from that lady.

I don’t know, I wouldn’t take an apple from that lady.

a mirror, and cradling an infant corpse, and crucifying Sam Neill, but it’s just not convincing. I know Sigourney can be badass, we’ve all seen it before, but she doesn’t bring it here. I don’t think she’s entirely to blame, though; I think she works as best as she can with what she’s given, which just isn’t that good to begin with. I appreciate that this version of the story is closer to the way the Brothers Grimm told it. But what’s so creepy about their stories just doesn’t translate here; it’s just trying way too hard. The best thing that came out of us watching this DVD is that we can get rid of it now. This movie might score better points with the twelve-year-old goth-girl crowd.


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