Blood Diner (1987)

Blood Diner is exactly the kind of movie you don’t want people to think you mean when you say you like horror movies. Watching it, though, brought forth both a revelation: there’s only one thing worse than watching a Troma movie, and that’s watching a movie that thinks like a Troma movie, but isn’t a Troma movie; and a question: can you mock an exploitation film? How can you make a joke out of something that knew it was a joke to begin with? Blood Diner is pretty solid evidence that you can’t, and perhaps more importantly, you shouldn’t try.

Rotten Tomatoes calls this a “tribute” to Herschell Gordon Lewis’s Blood Feast. A tribute? Heresy! Blood Feast is one of my most favorite movies. When I first watched it, I realized there was a whole, untapped world of exploitation films to explore. Herschell Gordon Lewis helped make me the woman I am today. Blood Diner seemed little more to me than a really shitty remake.

Anwar Tutman is brought back to life by his nephews to put on a “blood buffet” in honor of the Lumerian goddess Sheetar. If you’re not familiar with the original film Blood Feast, allow me to let you in on some of these really cute “jokes” here: in Blood Feast, the murdering chef is named Fuad Ramses. Get it? Instead of Ramses, it’s TUTman? Adorable. Ramses is putting together an Egyptian feast for the goddess Ishtar. Anyway, Anwar’s disembodied brain sets the dunderheaded nephews to task looking for loose women all over town to rob them of their body parts to prepare for the blood buffet. The leftover limbs are used to feed the customers at their diner.

There is absolutely nothing worthwhile about this movie. I think I may be worse off for having seen it. Just when I thought nothing could’ve been worse than Frankenstein Sings, we pop this into the VCR. Would I have hated this movie even if it had nothing to do with Blood Feast?  Yes, absolutely:  even though this isn’t a Troma release, it’s got Troma written all over it – it’s loaded with glorified bad taste and manages to make fat jokes, Nazi jokes, gay jokes, and domestic-abuse jokes. Remaking my favorite movie so poorly is just salt in the wound.







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